I just watched them suck my blood
Today I just sat there and watched as 3 mosquitoes sucked my blood.
It was early morning, I was in the backyard, enjoying the sun.
The grass was wet from last night’s rain. Should have known what was about to happen.
I felt an itch on my ankle. Small at first, but quickly intensifying.
I looked down. A mosquito clumsily flying around my leg in that stupid way they do. Just waiting for another opening.
I swatted and missed. A second mosquito appeared and made a dive for my ankles.
F*** this, I’m going inside.
But right as I got to the door I stopped.
I hadn’t wanted to go back inside yet. Am I going to let some mosquitoes ruin my enjoyment of the morning sun?
So I went back outside, except now I was pacing around the yard. If I kept moving, they coudln’t bite me. Catch me if you can, suckers!
How is this any better? I’m still getting utterly dominated by this insect.
They have hijacked my thoughts, actions, and emotions. Or, more accurately, I’ve allowed them to do that.
This is insane. I am an adult human, the apex of life on this planet, and I’m getting clowned by a mindless speck of cells that weighs a tenth of a grain of rice and hasn’t the faintest clue what it’s even doing throughout its entire meaningless 6 weeks of life.
It’s always been like this
Story time (I’ll keep it short.)
I’ve always been more sensitive to mosquitoes than most people. I know almost everyone hates them (yes almost - I’ve talked to some hippies that don’t mind them) but I really hate them.
I have a vivid memory from when I was a kid. I was in some boring adult get together. There were a bunch of mosquitoes and I was getting eaten alive. I kept whining about it to the adults but no one seemed to care. They weren’t even getting bitten.
I got so frustrated that I nearly broke my hand against the wall trying to smack a mosquito with all my might. I missed, everyone looked at me, and I just tried to hide how badly my hand hurt.
Ever since, I’ve always been “passionate” in my crusade against them. Anyone who knows me will tell you; if there’s a mosquito around, I will drop everything and go Liam Neeson on it.
No to escapism. Yes to facing discomfort.
Let’s come back to the present.
Yesterday I ended my writing with a proclamation.
“No to escapism. Yes to facing discomfort.”
Well, there I was this morning, pacing madly around my backyard to avoid the discomfort of burning itchy ankles.
Time to put my money where my mouth is.
I stopped pacing. I sat down. I didn’t have to wait for long.
They came. 3 of them. They tried a spot on my leg. No good, too much hair. They tried another spot, closer to the ankle. Bingo.
I watched them push their needle sucker things in as far they could go, until their faces were pressed right up against my skin. They looked happily settled in.
I was so tempted to kill them. They deserved retribution, blissfully sucking up my blood, nasty greedy gluttonous things.
But I resisted the urge. This was a test. Could I conquer my own discomfort?
I talked some sense into myself. “Don’t hate them. They’re merely doing what they must to survive. This drop of blood they’re taking is everything for them - it’s nothing for you.”
That calmed me down. Then the itching started.
“Oh here we go. Don’t itch. It’s ok. It’s no big deal.”
The itching intensified, burning.
“Ooooh man, that burns! But it’s ok, no big deal! It’s just a feeling, just a sensation, it’s gonna pass, don’t fight it!”
A 4th mosquito showed up. It kept trying to find a good spot but couldn’t. I got anxious watching its desperate search. Any moment now, it would find a good spot. I wanted to shoo it away before it could. This already sucked enough (heh), I didn’t need another one.
“Nope! No resisting. This is fine! Face the discomfort!”
But after this they’re going to take my blood and breed, and there’s going to be even more mosquitoes in the backyard. I should just kill them all now while I still have a chance…
“Shhh. Just stop. Stop trying to fix things, stop trying to change things. For once in your life just be ok with everything.”
And I just gave up trying to change anything about the situation.
I watched them finish up their meals and take off.
I noticed the itching and burning lose its meaning. It was still there, but it didn’t upset me.
I got up and went inside, feeling calm and peaceful.